And by “bad” I mean “really fucking awful” but I don’t want to come off as less than hubristic. At least in concerns to my pain, and not the day in general.

I feel like it should be said that I’m on my period, despite not being emotionally affected by them. I have never, in my 33 1/2 years of life, experienced PMS or anything period symptom-related, except for (you guessed it!) the pain. All I get is the pain part: painful cramps, painful pelvic floor, and a painful lower back. I don’t fluctuate my emotions as easily, but I am on a mood stabilizer, as well as an anti-anxiety medication, so I would hope my doctor and I’s medication plan is actually working.

Right now, though, I’m just… angry. Angry at being in pain. Angry that I have to feel it at all, and my period only makes it worse. I’m angry that I’ve picked friends I thought were good friends, and they’re not, and I’m so picky as is. I’m angry that I’m more upset with myself for picking them, than their shitty behavior. I’m angry that I’m angry, because while anger isn’t a bad emotion, it’s still a powerful one, and it’s not one I want to feel all the time, much less when I’m battling for my life through a monthly fucking period that keeps coming. I’m glad for it — it keeps my hormones regulated — but I’m never gonna need my uterus. I don’t need to explain it, because I know with all my heart, mind, and gut instinct I won’t need or want to use it. As much as menopause sounds like a nightmare, it not’s a painful period that makes my chronic pain worse.

I do want to be a better person, and blog about nice, cool things. I want to blog when I’m happy, or excited, or even bored. I don’t necessarily care about visitors, but I want to be able to blog when the pain isn’t bad, but I’m so busy catching up on the shit I couldn’t do because of the pain, that at the end of the day, I’m wiped mentally and physically. I think more than anything, I want to blog about not being in pain, and that’s never going to happen again. I wish I was more sad and hurt by that, but I’m so angry right now, all I can really do is mourn a life I’ll never have again. If I didn’t believe in karma/being a good person, I’d cast a minor spell, like, “how to get people off my dick”, but as witches know, do unto others, et el.

I know the pain will ease, and some of my days will get better. I know today is just one day in a line or many that will knock me on my ass, but it’s so hard to live life like that. It’s hard knowing it’ll come, or that it’s here, or that doing X, Y, or Z will exacerbate it. I used to wish for a lot of things if X happened, but now all I can wish, dream, and try for is being pain free, if only for a minute.