I get a new laptop — and by new, I mean refurbished at a cheaper price, because chronic pain doesn’t pay bills — and it’s red only the top. I’ve named it Arthur for reasons known to one very important person. Love you, C. – XOXO, A
Latest Posts
Status: 8/16/2023
I was able to pull my carcass up and make a new theme — I prefer to make themes months ahead of time, but maybe 3 themes on standby is too many? — and BOY DO I REGRET THAT. Couldn’t type worth a shit, had to copy+paste everything, and it ended up being ten times harder. Do not recommend and *claps hands* stay in bed.
Status: 8/14/2023
I’m in so much pain, but I’ve accomplished a lot despite it. Am I proud of myself? Can’t tell, I’ve reached the “can’t feel emotion” intersection between “probable emergency I’ll ignore” to “I know I prayed for this before, but please don’t kill me in my sleep”.
Journal Prompts: Season 1
I was really angry the last time I blogged — I even cried afterwards with my door closed, because I didn’t want to upset my niece or worry anyone — and it did help to express some of the anger I still battle with. But I also looked at it later and realised that while my anger may never leave me, it doesn’t define me, and I wanted to write more positively.
Writing about myself has always been hard for me — am I talking too much? Am I giving too much information? Am I only giving out weird anecdotal facts, rather than anything of substance? Then I found an app — called Gratitude — that used small journal prompts to help with mental health (and gratitude, of course). It gave me the idea to use some journal prompts to answer, rather than providing anything I think to be interesting.
[...]I’m Having a Bad Day
And by “bad” I mean “really fucking awful” but I don’t want to come off as less than hubristic. At least in concerns to my pain, and not the day in general.
I feel like it should be said that I’m on my period, despite not being emotionally affected by them. I have never, in my 33 1/2 years of life, experienced PMS or anything period symptom-related, except for (you guessed it!) the pain. All I get is the pain part: painful cramps, painful pelvic floor, and a painful lower back. I don’t fluctuate my emotions as easily, but I am on a mood stabilizer, as well as an anti-anxiety medication, so I would hope my doctor and I’s medication plan is actually working.
[...]Status: 7/20/2023
I was thinking of affirmations I could create myself, but all I’ve come up with is. “Life is hard, but so is his dick #getit” 😔
Starlight
Status: 7/9/2023
There is not enough books and fanfiction in the world to cover all my werewolf ideas. Somebody take them from me, I don’t think I can handle this burden.
Status
My Mom bought me two Astrology books, with one proceeding to roast the fuck out of me and my sister. Holy fuck.
I Can’t Sleep
I caught sight of my eyes in the mirror last Saturday. “Wow,” I thought, “you finally look like how you feel” and moved on. It’s only now, on the following Tuesday, that it wasn’t my pain putting dark circles under my eyes. It wasn’t my depression that seems to hit when no one is around, thus the anxiety attacks that my loneliness triggers that turn into panic attacks. It wasn’t the excruciating anxiety I get at night, that leaves me drinking more beers than I really want, and more vaping than I’d prefer. It wasn’t the night terrors or the restless leg syndrome, either.
It was because I can’t sleep.
[...]Aside: 6/13/2023
At the ripe age of 33, I decided to do dating sites (with a lot of help from my sister). I mostly went on for two things: 1) the gratification when someone likes me and b) maybe make some friends? So far only #1 has worked — #2 has been harder. There are so many rules, and people get tired easily, or give up on you if you don’t respond in 24 hours. (People have lives; why are people on a time limit if their bio says “only friendship”?)
Trying to shove info about myself without seeming unappealing — and let’s face it, nobody with chronic-anything sounds appealing — but also try to be proud of myself despite my ailments. Picking the right photos is another nightmare, especially if you take selfies with your face most of the time.
[...]