<p class=”warning”>WARNING: talks of internalised ableism.</p>

I do not know whose feet I should lay blame at, or if there are any, but: I was ablest. Internally. I was never externally ablest, because as a very anxious, depressed person who is sensitive to others emotions for reasons I don’t care about, I actually believed people when they said they were in pain. I did not believe myself.

There is a LOT of work I need to do about that. I pushed myself harder than anybody else ever did, and while I know my underlying issues play a big role in that, they are still my issues. I have to accept responsibility for not taking care of myself, or I will never learn how to.

I ignore. I pretend. I symptom manage. I compartmentalize. I do not say, “I am in pain” to myself, because to do that would mean I know how to take care of myself, and I do not. Self care is difficult for me, and it’s always boring. I do not want to soak in a fucking bath and wear a face mask that helps relax my facial muscles and do goddamn acupuncture. It’s not economically obtainable, and after all those things: the pain is still there. I want the pain to go away. I want the pain to stop. I want the pain to have never been there in the first place, because I now know “worst case scenario” in every arena now, and I’m tired of being aware of it.

I am tired of pretending I’m not in pain. I am tired of making other people feel better about my pain when it’s not my responsibility to do so. I am tired of carrying the burden of the pain, and all the knowledge that comes with it, when Google exists. I am tired of people choosing to tell me something about my pain, rather than listen to me talk about it. I am tired of people making me feel bad for any treatment I choose for pain that doesn’t affect them. I am tired of having the burden of this and still be looked at as the responsible and strong one, when there are days my pain makes me seriously consider how much longer I want to live at all. I am tired of compartmentalizing my pain to be that person to other people. I am tired of no one noticing how tired I am.

I want to stop feeling pain, but I can’t. But I can start to stop feeling bad that I cant stop feeling it.

My parents let me know numerous times people didn’t like what I said or did, or that nobody liked anything about me during a very vulnerable time in my life that they were already mishandling, so that is GENUINELY how I think friends should act?

The sheer lack of self esteem or confidence makes me believe that even if my friends aren’t for me, it’s my fault regardless?

I believe I don’t deserve friends because I think shitty things about strangers just like literally everybody else does, and in some small way you think that karma (something you don’t think is real) WOULD ABSOLUTELY choose the nonbeliever to teach that life lesson to?

Why do I attack the “problems” I see in my friendships like I’m in the military and have been tasked with making a strategy to siege downtown Jacksonville from hipsters? Can’t I just… let it go? Do I have to fight everything that happens to me, instead of just letting it play out?