I want so badly to not care about my body, regardless of size. Wanting and actualizing are two different things, and I have the hardest time regulating my response to my body size. If I’m big, I hate my waist size, but when I’m small, I miss the size of my ass.
I hate the way I look big. Sure, my ass looks great, and I have two shelves (front and back — get it??) but I hate my chin, my knees, and how far out my chest looks depending on my bra.
I also hate the way I look thin. I hate how disproportionate my always-big chest looks in comparison to my thinner body. I hate how everyone assumes I acquired that weight through substances instead of illness. I hate my lack of curves.
I think I will always hate my thighs, because I took ballet too long. I will always hate my broad shoulders that carry my chest and long torso, regardless of my body size. I’ll never stop hating my arms.
Sometimes it feels like I’ll always hate me.