I’m standing in front of my microwave whilst writing this entry. I thought I’d start this off with something monumental, and well, I never stand while writing an entry. Slumped across my bed, hunched over my laptop at my desk, or propped up on the (too) comfortable footrest in the living room, why yes, but standing in my kitchen like I forgot where I was?

It’s the new black, guys!

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I am, not for the first time, going to talk about myself. However, this is also monumental, because I don’t just talk about myself, not in the way I’m about to. I’m taking a leap, and explaining my thoughts on several (but only one) matters. Continue reading, please.

I’m not deliberately cruel.

I thought I’d write that in an standard-incorrect header tag to get your attention. And if you’re still paying attention, I’ll explain my reasoning as to annoy you.

When one gets into a fight, whether it be face-to-face or online, a mammal’s (and I’m using animals and humans in this statement) natural reaction is to lash out because they’re a) angry or worse b) in pain. For a human, we usually use the other’s persons weaknesses (or even strong suits!) against the other person. Is it right? Absolutely not, and I’ve been guilty of doing so in the past.


However, I’m socially inept. I won’t go into peculiars, but that about explains it all: I have panic attacks when I’m in a crowd (in my own home or on the street, it doesn’t matter) or I’m out in public. This causes me to hole up in my house to avoid said attacks and this is not normal. This is a weakness, and it’s been used against me more times than I can count. I’ve been called abnormal, psycho and plain ole stupid because of this, and in the worst ways. Which, of course, is why I look at things differently, especially when fighting. I don’t point out others’ flaws, and I don’t use anything against them. My first natural reaction is to diffuse the bomb; if that doesn’t work, I try talking it out, and if that doesn’t work, I ignore the situation entirely.

So, the above statement that’s underlined explains why I had to underline it in the first place: I don’t fight like a normal person1, so whenever I have an argument online, or someone disagrees with me, what would be a normal response is never used by me. I’m not deliberately cruel, so what may be a snippy reply in your eyes, can well be a LOL-worthy response in mine.

Take this situation for example: a friend of the sister and I was doing some inordinate things at their age. I was uncomfortable with it, but the one thing that made it weird for me was the fact that I did not understand them, or their decisions. Their age was a bit awkward for me, and I couldn’t relate to them on any level, so I left it in my sister’s hands. Not saying we could control this person’s actions – we couldn’t, and we didn’t! – but I felt I should take a step back from the person, because the normal bond we had was severed by our age difference2.

The person took it as me being angry with them – or hating them – and stopped talking to me. Which was, in a weird way, kind of what I wanted. Lots of angst ensued, and they said some things about my person to my sister. They don’t know I know, and every time I look at them now, all I can think is, “they think all those things about me, and they used who I was against me”. I’m not angry or mad, I’m just sad, because I know they didn’t truly mean those words, that they were saying them in a moment of anger and frustration. If I had simply told the person I didn’t understand them, the entire situation could have been avoided, and we’d be better friends now more than ever. We’re not, and that’s something I’m going to live with for a long, long time.

My point of this point was: think of what was a miscommunication between us can well be a miscommunication between a friend and you. Take my lesson in your hands and roll it around for inspection. Don’t attack someone, even if it’s warranted; look at the situation from their eyes first, and then see how you feel. You never know how many relationships you can keep from something as simple as communication, trust and understanding.

As per usual, I don’t expect comments on this, but it’s out in the open, and I can say I talked about this in a healthy manner. I could never say all this with speech, so even if nobody else cares, I care. It’s important to me, and maybe somewhere in the world, somebody else feels the way I do, too.

  1. « But, hey, I’m abnormal anyway, so who cares!
  2. « It also has a lot to do with my sister and the person being normal teenagers, and me not having been a normal teenager. That is so much more important than people think it is.