I felt obligated to say that the memorial service for my Uncle has come and gone and that life is shifting back to semi-normal, despite having two full-time roommates, one half-time roommate and having the very familiar money-struggle that seems to happen to us…oh, I don't know? Twice a month?

The drama is starting, as with every death in the family, and for once, I'm staying the hell out of it. I did end up getting my Learner's Permit on Tuesday (half of a driver's license, if you will), I'm looking into finally getting my Diploma/GED (from home school) and <a href="http://keepitpumpin.net" title="External Link: Pumpin'!">Pumpin'! »</a> is finally getting woken from the living dead. Despite these things, I still feel unaccomplished, like there are a million and one things I need to do <em>right now</em> and it's sad that I still manage to clean the house everyday, keep up with house laundry (that seems to accumulate from 12 people instead of the six that live here) and get things done on the computer (<del>that involves obsessively visiting The Hex Files and seeing updates from favorite sites</del>). I suppose this is just a feeling of restlessness that needs to be extracted from the system, but I wish it would just <em>do it</em> already.

I'm going to stray away from my (strangely hectic) life, and provide a piece of conversation Courtney, Hannah, my Uncle Rodney and I had this morning:

<p class="blockquote">
<strong>Me:</strong> Hey look, a spider.<br>
<strong>Courtney:</strong> *gets up, picks up Clementine and calls her a whore 10 seconds later for not eating the spider*<br>
<strong>Me:</strong> Use a blunt object or something.<br>
<strong>Courtney:</strong> Can I use your shirt, Hannah? *uses it without waiting for an answer* Damn, doesn't work. *hands to Rodney*<br>
<strong>Rodney:</strong> *holds his hands out*<br>
<strong>Courtney:</strong> Damn you and your femininity.<br>
<strong>Courtney:</strong> … where's a fly swatter?<br>
<strong>Courtney:</strong> *spends 20 seconds getting said fly swatter, kills it, plays around with it and sets fly swatter on Rodney's books (Rodney: Get that nasty thing off of my book.)*
</p>

Humor aside, there has been a death in my family (unfortunately, it has hit home a little more closer than the last two deaths, and happens to be my Uncle). I won't go into the gory details, but basically my life is a little off balance right now. My sister is in avoidance mode, my Mom in emotional and my Dad in anger. Where I am? I have no idea. My tooth is also acting up again, and I feel like taking a wrench and ripping out the offending tooth than put up with feeling like crap.

I should have thought about what I wanted to do, before doing it. And I don't mean the whole "Oh, let me think about this for a couple of days and see if I'm not too lazy to do it" crap, but the whole "Let me think about exactly what changes I need to make to an already-OK script, screw that one up, and have to build up from the ground <em>again</em>." I did <em>not</em> think about that, and instead I am faced with my own stubborn ass. *kills me* No, wait, I'll kill <abbr title="PHP: Hypertext Preprocessor">PHP</abbr>. Because if I had my way, I'd be able to mind-control PHP and finish what I started yesterday. Win, yes.

I haven't mentioned it, but we got two new chickens! My Dad bought them from my Aunt, so they are full grown, but they are adapting to the yards quite nicely (because my family and our neighbors are so close, we pretty much share the cats and chickens.) Since Mama Chicken and Chickie Girl died in January of this year, our neighbors and us have been sad and lonely without the welcome home, the fleas and bugs gone and the comforting sound of clucking. They are named Big Red (or Mama Chicken to Misty) and Henny Girl (aka The Bitch). Big Red is pretty mild and tends to be a lot more friendly than Henny Girl. Henny…well, Henny's just a bitch. She screams and clucks, pecks at Big Red and won't let us hold her. However, we will win her.

As my USB cord died a tragic death a couple of weeks ago, I have been unable to upload pictures. When I somehow find a way to get a new one, pictures of them will come! :D

I've had problems with my teeth since before I can remember. They were OK, until I grew them back and then I ended up with crooked teeth, buck teeth and an ugly gap. It's only gotten worse. I have now lost two of my teeth, have lost three quarters of another (the ole redneck way – by way of chipping and falling out (and to think it all happened when I sprained my ankle; can you say I was a lucky son of a gun?)). I'm <em>about</em> to lose a fourth, and the fifth is <em>just</em> forming. All this before hitting my twenties. WIN.

Here recently, I've had extra problems. Since my third tooth did not actually get pulled out, the gapping hole that was once my tooth is having a hard time healing, and the rest of the tooth is coming out in sections, which I will can tell you is <em>very painful</em>. Last night, I started getting nauseous (and this is when one tiny piece was stuck and bothering the crap out of me) and woke up feeling worse. When eating breakfast, that piece came out, giving me a slice of heaven. It just came to me to look up <em>nausea</em>, and when I did, I found out <em>the reason for the stomach's involvement is thought to be the brain concluding that one of the senses is hallucinating, and further conclude that this is due to poison ingestion.</em>

Considering my tooth (well, teeth, as I'm taking antibiotics for my cavity as well) is technically shooting poison into my body, I would conclude this is why. As I have no been out of the house in a week, there is technically no way I could get sick, and since my family is not (and leaves it to be impossible for me to get sick off of nothing), I can only deduce that my forsaken teeth are messing with my body and causing me to feel a bit out of sync.

Off topic, my parents looked into the new phone books that were handed out and, once again, we are still listed at <strong>2254 Myra Street</strong>—I don't care if you know, as I could care less about the owner and his <em>precious</em> house—instead of the place we've been at for two years (since the 23rd this month.) Now we can't be stalked. :D

While I've been scripting for about two years, I have always had a problem with passwords. I suppose I shouldn't mention that, considering I have three live scripts floating around the internet, but while they are secure, that aren't exactly the most genius.

It only came to me recently to try out a method I've been thinking of on one of my private scripts and see if I could take it to the next level. Thanks to a couple of tutorials at <a href="http://www.tutorialtastic.co.uk/" title="Tutorialtastic.co.uk">Tutorialtastic</a>, I have been guided in the right direction. As I plan to add this to my other two scripts, I think this will the right step to a more secure method.

Along with this, I've been seriously thinking about a Media Script. I know <a href="http://jemjabella.co.uk/">BellaBiblio</a> and <a href="http://prism-perfect.net/">MediaShelf</a> (and even the WordPress plugin <a href="http://robm.me.uk/projects/plugins/wordpress/now-reading/">Now Reading</a>) takes care of this quite well, they are not quite what I've been wanting, and others have been looking for. My idea is a bit like MediaShelf, except with the simplicity BellaBiblio has. While creating it in my mind (because I am cool like that (NOT)), I have two courses of action I could take: already-created tables for every media item you can think of (Movies (DVD, BlueRay, VHS), Music (CDs, Records, ect), Books, Magazines, ect) or a self-creating table(s) where you can add your own features. I suppose you can do this through phpMyAdmin, but it would be definitely easier on my part. I will definitely have to think about this, as I've been swaying towards and away from it for over a year now.

Here's to perfecting that password method and thinking further on the media script. :D

Last night the drama llama visited at my house and decided to show itself. It really has nothing to do with my family (surprisingly), but with an Uncle and myself. OK, so it is family, but not the usual crew.

First off, he was <strong>drunk</strong>. That always has a little something to do with drama, especially if you're a <strong>mean</strong> drunk. The night (when my Uncle arrived) started off fine, and in fact came with our neighbors (who my family and I miss, and yes, we get close to our neighbors) calling and having us check on their hunting dogs. After Courtney, Hannah and I sunk our feet in mud three-feet deep, and got shit-infested paws dragged over us, we made it out alive and once back inside, split up. I decided to play around with my not-working script (bitch) while they watched TV and then went off to Hannah's room.

About 8/9-ish, my Uncle started getting nasty with everybody (like yelling in their face, giving his opinion when <em>not wanted</em>, ect) and I tried to avoid him. When I told him while he was bragging that he couldn't pick me up (despite him being 300+ and buff; I know, stupid, stupid Tess) he chased me into the hall and corned me. That pissed me off royally, and so I hid and Hannah's room to eat. Later, I went into my Dad's room and asked why he was so angry. He and my other two Uncle's explained he was shit-faced and had a bad day at work. I accepted this and left. Not five minutes after that, he <em>told</em> me to "drink to Rob's memory!" (Rob, who is my deceased brother.) When I said a very a calm and <em>direct</em> "No," he insisted, and proceeded to corner me once again. Let's review what you don't do to me, much less to anyone else:

<ol>
<li>Upon giving one of his "opinions," he told me I was in my own little world <em>and</em> hinted that I wasn't a good "kid". First off, I'm far from that, and second if I was, I wouldn't of been out there to hear about it. Second, I don't do drugs or drink, I don't party, and I clean the house <em>everyday</em> without question. <em>I'm sorry, but what the fuck were you doing at that age?</em></li>
<li>Tell me do something I don't want to do, and then insist on it after I said a very firm "No."</li>
<li><em>Tell</em> me to drink. I do not remember my brother with alcohol. I might remember him through loud techno music that made my parents cringe, remember him using my Mom's expensive peppermint shampoo on his private parts and definitely remember him being the artist that he was. But I WILL NOT remember him through a drink.</li>
<li>Corner me not once, but twice.</li>
</ol>

I ran to my Dad, which he of course mocked, and told my Dad (OK, I was yelling) that I was sick and tired of his drunk ass, and he needed to stop. My Dad simply shruffed and said calmly, "OK." When my drunk-all-the-time-it-seems Uncle mockingly said, "What do you want me to do." I said, "Fucking leave. Get the hell out of MY house." Of course, he did the whole drunk dramatic thing: "You want me to leave? YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE? FINE! I'll leave! No, no, [insert random person here], she wants me to leave, I'm fucking out. I'M OUT!"

And the end. It was very shaky for me (that is the most angry I've been in a long time), but the drama ended there. Courtney, Hannah and I watched Fool's Gold with my other Uncle, who happens to be staying till the end of the weekend, and then I stayed up till some ungodly hour for them to return my laptop to me.

Off topic, I found this lovely function <samp>array_map</samp>. Why I didn't find this sooner, I don't know, but I am glad I did. I was having a hard time with the <samp>foreach</samp> function applying <samp>htmlentities</samp> to arrays, and <samp>array_map</samp> did this for me. And when that didn't work, I made my own function. Wooh!

Also, I think I will definitely gather my script and "beta test" it in various places. It's a public script, and the only errors I have found are by myself, and I know this can't be good. Here's to a long weekend of cleaning, fixing up Grandma's house and beta testing. WIN.

I'm not quite sure if it's noticeable or not, but I've switched to WordPress once more! I had a <del>few</del> lot of problems (such as commenting, which nobody seemed to be able to do) and the dynamic of the various plugins WordPress offered, and my <abbr title="Content Management System">CMS</abbr> did not. I <em>could</em> of re-written most of them, but I thought switching over would be best. Win, win, in my estimate. :D

So yes, I have switched! Along the switch, I was able to create a new theme, which took a couple of days to work out to my advantage. I especially love the bottom "footbar" (as I call it). I now have <a href="http://lyone.net/50-book-challenge-2008/">50 Book Challenge of 2008</a>, which I will WIN THIS YEAR. Also, I can sort of "review" it, which is awesome. I simply LOVE that plugin. *loveee*

I will definitely be posting the "Extra" section, although I have a feeling it won't be missed. I have two tutorial "requests" (of sorts) that I have yet to make, if I do decide to, but I can't get in tune with the darn things – I think this might be a part me lacking inspiration.

<p><em>Saturday (May 17)</em><br>
<strong>Me:</strong> Dad, where's the hammer?<br>
<strong>Dad:</strong> Why?<br>
<strong>Me:</strong> I want to put a up my half-assed painting -<br>
<strong>Dad:</strong> DON'T PUNCH A HOLE IN WALL.</p>

<p><em>Sunday (May 18)</em><br>
<strong>Me:</strong> (in the laundry room) *shrieks and stares at spider with malice* "HATH…DIE!"<br>
<strong>Me:</strong> *three seconds later* "Hammer…! Yes, hammer!" *aims*<br>
<strong>Dad:</strong> *opens the back door*<br>
<strong>Me:</strong> *is blinded by the sunlight*<br>
<strong>Dad:</strong> "What the hell are y – DON'T PUNCH A HOLE IN THE WALL."</p>

Why must my Dad think I'm incompetent with a hammer? I had a half a mind today, upon seeing a TWO nasty spiders, to take a hammer and PUNCH A HOLE IN THE WALL. And honestly, I'm beginning to think I am the Queen of Exterminating Spiders. :(

I think—hell, know—that I've always had a problem with my talents. Before 2006, I had always doubted I had much talent at all. I could not dance, could not sing, could not act, could not do anything that all the kids/teenagers were doing at the time.

I could code "computers." (And FYI, just because I code websites, does not mean I'm a guru at computers – they are two different things, get them right.)

That wasn't cool, and if I told anyone that, they never believed me. Even showing them my sites caused no other reaction than a scoff and a rolling of the eyes. Self-esteem was not my best friend back then, and that bitch will certainly never be. It wasn't until said 2006, that I really started exploring my "interests" which was how I ended up writing, doing photography and advancing further into Web Design and Graphic Design.

Despite this, however, I still feel like I am good at nothing. Having went to my sisters play, and watching my Mom gives her flowers and say, "You were the best!" really made me sad—my sister had one of the smaller parts, so there is really no way to tell if she was one of the best or not, but despite this, her acting abilities have always made me proud—because I realized that coding websites really doesn't get me to where my sister is today. I am simply a computer of sorts, dishing out information and sucking other information up. I will never be able to accept flowers on a stage and be told, "You are one of the best!" not because all the bimbos out there make it hard to be "one of the best" but because I feel like I'll never be on that level. I am very much the pusher of myself, and despite trying my hardest to be <em>the best</em>, it's still a constant struggle, and it makes me wonder if I really want to do that for the rest of my life.

I feel extremely guilty, as I haven't blogged in a <del>good while</del> almost two months. That's pretty bad, but no for me.

So I was working behind the scenes a couple of weeks ago, where I upgraded Lyone's backend, and it's all <em>shiny</em>. The front-end…not so much. I plan to create a more pleasing-to-the-eye look here soon.

And not everything has been in vain. <a href="http://stfutrex.net/">STFU T-Rex!</a> is getting an over-haul, although the scripting is going to take a good week to complete. I've emptied out my <a href="http://cutthisbullet.deviantart.com/">DeviantArt</a> of anything that wasn't mine, and am now down to crap manipulations and sunny bright photographs. Also, <a href="http://so-impossible.com/">Michelle</a> birthday is today! I gave her a couple of presents (which she was type-screaming about (good to know my mad skillz are appreciated). It was fun. And now I will go ahead and clean my room.

One more thing: <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=ttsVBzrkJWs">See the dorkiness of my sister, Cassandra and I</a>. :D It's funny (in an off-beat sort of way.) OH, and did you know? My sister and I created half of the plot line (and her best friend, Cassandra, too) and I must say, I'm purring at my genius.

Lyone is now open, in a new shiny domain! :D I got this a while back, but my lazy ass wasn't up to the long trek of getting Lyone up and running again. I want to also thank <a href="http://girlcalledkill.org/">Ashley</a> for offering me a home (I appreciate it , love! XD) and <a href="http://so-impossible.com/">Michelle</a> for being there and listening to my ramblings and testing the comments. ;P

So it seems that I have nothing to say. Ironic, as I had a million and one things in my head to start off with, and none of them are coming to mind. However, that might be because my headache is all like, "BAM, I'm here bitch!" and I'm like, "Noooo." I <em>will</em> say though, that my easter eggs are…ugly. I will have to take a picture of them tomorrow and let your eyes feast on my creativity. (*cough*)

And my sister got into Twilight, and although the book is there, I still can't pick it up. :( I suppose that's because I'm being rebellious of the whole, "Edward is so greatttt!" which is laughable, as I could name four dozen "greatttt" heroes, but I guess that isn't the point.

The point is my sister read the book, and (drum roll) asked me for a book! This is enlightening, because I got to choose what book and I picked Night Play from the <a href="http://darkmoonbright.net/">Dark-Hunter Series</a> (OK, that was a cheap plug, but whatever) and I think she will enjoy. I hope, anyways, as I love me some Vane/Fury/FangAimee and I hope I can squee with her over them.

This will be a test post until further notice (or until I become motivated enough to erase/edit this)! :D Because I'm great like that. Michelle is also great because she's not like "omg (roll eye) she's talking about scripts/Angela, does she ever stop?" No, I don't, *'le sigh* I love Lorene Drive, btw. Because they are bombtastic and I love their sex songs. o.O But yeah!

I suppose my feel-good mood that's lasted three months (good God – has it been THAT long?!) has to come to end at some point. I was SO proud of myself, as I finished three fanlistings and one project and was totally rocking out with my progression and then it all came down like domino's. I swear, it happens only to me, ha.

I've been stressing out myself, as I have a lot of built up…anger? Frustration? Depression? It's all like an average day to me, but since I haven't felt these feelings for a while, it's like taking a walk down a road that's dark and gloomy – not safe, but you do it anyway, because you either can't stop yourself from doing it or you're that curious to find out what's down there.

And whatdoya'know? I am now taking care of two dogs – one who was shot in the nose and is very much underweight and evidently abused – and another who's hyperactivity makes me want to throw her into the pond that's in our front yard. *growl*

I feel hideous for feeling this way – but I'll face it, I've never dealt with change very well and I certainly don't want anything to get in the way of the calm I just WANT to feel and haven't quite achieved. I want to shot to Gods 'Why the hell ME?!' a thousand and one times, but of course, it was God's path for me. And it makes me feel hopeless, because really, I just want to be alone, haha! I just want to keep to myself and do whatever it is I do, but no. I get stuck with too much stress I can't deal with (or feel like I can't deal with) and get stuck with alcoholics for parents who wouldn't know what the hell to do with me if they're own souls depended on it.

And I'm rambling. *drops down* I must go now. Hopefully (and I plan it) I'll come back with a happy ending for this half-rant, blog entry. ;D

Why, oh why…do people expect visitor content? Isn't that kind of selfish? Every (good) review site I've come across has stated that it's necessary to have visitor content – and to be honest, I kind of disagree. I mean, I'm not going to waste my time on something that nobody will use (and I'll face it – nothing I make is useful, heh) so why bother with the effort? Should I? I mean, really, is it so crucial that I won't get any visitors? Will my stats go down?

If so, then I'm ashamed to say – the internet is as my own country. We may be free, but we still live by "standards" that need to be fulfilled. Call me selfish, but I refuse.

(P.S. – Sorry for the random rant – I just needed to get it off my chest. :))

I didn't mean to go this long without blogging, but a) I've been wrapped up in fanlistings/scripts and b) my computer is sick and it's seriously taken me ten minutes to write out this sentence. So give me a couple of days, and I'll a interesting blog entry up (har, I wish!) In the meantime, why not see <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=WF_ENzHSsck">this video</a> I made Friday night, all you Draco lovers.

Friendly warning: it's Drarry compliant. And G-rated, so don't freak out like somebody I know.