Category Archives: Real Life

Status: 2/27/2024

Austin

February 27th, 2024

February 27th, 2024

I get a new laptop — and by new, I mean refurbished at a cheaper price, because chronic pain doesn’t pay bills — and it’s red only the top. I’ve named it Arthur for reasons known to one very important person. Love you, C. – XOXO, A

Status: 8/16/2023

Austin

August 16th, 2023

August 16th, 2023

I was able to pull my carcass up and make a new theme — I prefer to make themes months ahead of time, but maybe 3 themes on standby is too many? — and BOY DO I REGRET THAT. Couldn’t type worth a shit, had to copy+paste everything, and it ended up being ten times harder. Do not recommend and *claps hands* stay in bed.

Status: 8/14/2023

Austin

August 14th, 2023

August 14th, 2023

I’m in so much pain, but I’ve accomplished a lot despite it. Am I proud of myself? Can’t tell, I’ve reached the “can’t feel emotion” intersection between “probable emergency I’ll ignore” to “I know I prayed for this before, but please don’t kill me in my sleep”.

Journal Prompts: Season 1

Austin

July 31st, 2023

July 31st, 2023

I was really angry the last time I blogged — I even cried afterwards with my door closed, because I didn’t want to upset my niece or worry anyone — and it did help to express some of the anger I still battle with. But I also looked at it later and realised that while my anger may never leave me, it doesn’t define me, and I wanted to write more positively.

Writing about myself has always been hard for me — am I talking too much? Am I giving too much information? Am I only giving out weird anecdotal facts, rather than anything of substance? Then I found an app — called Gratitude — that used small journal prompts to help with mental health (and gratitude, of course). It gave me the idea to use some journal prompts to answer, rather than providing anything I think to be interesting.

Some of these are from the app itself — which I recommend! There’s no character limit, so making the answers small or big isn’t the actual goal — and some are from around the internet. I’ll credit all sites I’ve used prompts from at the end of the post.

If I fast forwarded to thirty days from now, what would I tell myself?

Be kinder to yourself: you are trying, and that’s all anyone or anything can ask of you.

What music do you listen to, and why?

Jesus, I never should have taken this one, but whatever, I already typed it out: everything besides country? It honestly depends on my mood, and what I’m doing. I like listening to rap, R & B, and pop music when I’m coding or using my computer. If I’m relaxing or just in the mood to listen, I go for all kinds of rock, metal, and folk music. If I’m trying to calm myself down, I’ll pick whole albums, like We Are Not Alone by Breaking Benjamin, or ARTPOP by Lady Gaga. I’ll even throw in an album by Enigma or Moby‘s weird crap.

If you can travel back in time, what do you wish you can tell yourself?

I’ve often thought of this, and I honestly, for a very long time, drew a huge blank. How can I possibly sum up my experiences now for younger me to even grasp? What if I scared younger me into living even less than I did? And I think now I know:

Have fun. Please? Things have happened, and things will happen, but fun isn’t always in demand, and there are times where fun is presented to you temporarily. You will still suffer, and you will mourn, and you will grieve, but have — fucking — FUN. Join your sister at Warp Tour; go fishing with your Dad; paint your nails with your Mom. Tell Matthew you love him and can’t imagine a world that doesn’t have him in it. Tell Alex you love her, too, and that she can confide in you without judgement. Be in the moment when these things happen, and not in your head.

How are you different from others?

My severe lack of confidence or self-esteem mixed in with some pretty killer insight. I’m also a walking lie detector with the hearing range of a hound dog. (Seriously, I can hear really well. It’s incredibly off-putting, and oftentimes overwhelming.) Let me put it this way: while IN A PSYCH UNIT, I was considered “high functioning”, and was consistently complimented on my foresight, intuition, and listening ability. All greats things to hear, but maybe not in a psych unit?

What can you not imagine living without?

Other than my loved ones — duh — I’d say my animals. They’re one of the only species that gives unconditional love and doesn’t care that you’re a hot mess. In my experience, their love can almost be unmatched.

What color would you say best describes you? Why do you think so?

I’m known for loving all colors and being difficult when having to choose even less than five. However, if I did have to choose, I’d say pink. I’m calm most of the time — thanks, medication! — and I know my last post did not exemplify this, but I’m slow to get angry. Once I’m there, though, I run that shit into the ground before I’m ready to move on. I use weed and anti-anxiety medication simultaneously because if I don’t, I’ll get anxiety attacks that leave me showering in the dark and then never using a light again because in my mentally ill mind, if people can’t see me, I’m not technically there, and for reasons I won’t look at, it makes my anxiety better. And I think that that kind of energy — slow to anger; can cut a bitch with my tongue alone; happy, anxious, hyperactive, and/or high otherwise — says pink. Like a soft pink, maybe between a salmon and bubblegum shade?

When do you feel the happiest and most content?

At my happiest, I have a joint in hand that I’m sharing with my sister, while we watch Detroit Rock City for the 159th time, and we’re drinking a light beer, while eating street corn and corn chips. Bonus points if there’s a heating pad or CBD cream involved.

Credits

  • 64 Journaling Prompts
  • 80 Journaling Prompts
  • 110 Journal Prompts
  • I’m Having a Bad Day

    Austin

    July 27th, 2023

    July 27th, 2023

    And by “bad” I mean “really fucking awful” but I don’t want to come off as less than hubristic. At least in concerns to my pain, and not the day in general.

    I feel like it should be said that I’m on my period, despite not being emotionally affected by them. I have never, in my 33 1/2 years of life, experienced PMS or anything period symptom-related, except for (you guessed it!) the pain. All I get is the pain part: painful cramps, painful pelvic floor, and a painful lower back. I don’t fluctuate my emotions as easily, but I am on a mood stabilizer, as well as an anti-anxiety medication, so I would hope my doctor and I’s medication plan is actually working.

    Right now, though, I’m just… angry. Angry at being in pain. Angry that I have to feel it at all, and my period only makes it worse. I’m angry that I’ve picked friends I thought were good friends, and they’re not, and I’m so picky as is. I’m angry that I’m more upset with myself for picking them, than their shitty behavior. I’m angry that I’m angry, because while anger isn’t a bad emotion, it’s still a powerful one, and it’s not one I want to feel all the time, much less when I’m battling for my life through a monthly fucking period that keeps coming. I’m glad for it — it keeps my hormones regulated — but I’m never gonna need my uterus. I don’t need to explain it, because I know with all my heart, mind, and gut instinct I won’t need or want to use it. As much as menopause sounds like a nightmare, it not’s a painful period that makes my chronic pain worse.

    I do want to be a better person, and blog about nice, cool things. I want to blog when I’m happy, or excited, or even bored. I don’t necessarily care about visitors, but I want to be able to blog when the pain isn’t bad, but I’m so busy catching up on the shit I couldn’t do because of the pain, that at the end of the day, I’m wiped mentally and physically. I think more than anything, I want to blog about not being in pain, and that’s never going to happen again. I wish I was more sad and hurt by that, but I’m so angry right now, all I can really do is mourn a life I’ll never have again. If I didn’t believe in karma/being a good person, I’d cast a minor spell, like, “how to get people off my dick”, but as witches know, do unto others, et el.

    I know the pain will ease, and some of my days will get better. I know today is just one day in a line or many that will knock me on my ass, but it’s so hard to live life like that. It’s hard knowing it’ll come, or that it’s here, or that doing X, Y, or Z will exacerbate it. I used to wish for a lot of things if X happened, but now all I can wish, dream, and try for is being pain free, if only for a minute.

    Starlight

    Austin

    July 18th, 2023

    July 18th, 2023

    Status

    Austin

    June 24th, 2023

    June 24th, 2023

    My Mom bought me two Astrology books, with one proceeding to roast the fuck out of me and my sister. Holy fuck.

    Alex

    Austin

    June 21st, 2023

    July 17th, 2023

    I Can’t Sleep

    Austin

    June 20th, 2023

    June 24th, 2023

    I caught sight of my eyes in the mirror last Saturday. “Wow,” I thought, “you finally look like how you feel” and moved on. It’s only now, on the following Tuesday, that it wasn’t my pain putting dark circles under my eyes. It wasn’t my depression that seems to hit when no one is around, thus the anxiety attacks that my loneliness triggers that turn into panic attacks. It wasn’t the excruciating anxiety I get at night, that leaves me drinking more beers than I really want, and more vaping than I’d prefer. It wasn’t the night terrors or the restless leg syndrome, either.

    It was because I can’t sleep.

    Years ago, I had no self esteem. It’s not really any person or thing that put me in that mindset; I just simply didn’t think having one was as important as making it day by day. And it was my lack of self esteem that led to my lack of knowledge on why exactly it was that I can’t sleep. So when people told me it was my fault, I believed them. I believed all of their theories, and even tried them out. Your diet, was a big one. Your habits, was another. When I got better at both, it didn’t seem to matter, because still, I can’t sleep. (I was also sick and fighting it, and also going with others’ advice on how to handle my body over my own intuition.)

    I went to Melatonin, which helped for a while. I also did anything over the counter that could knock out a horse, and while some worked for some time, my tolerance would make it impossible to stay on a regimen, leaving me to do math with pills and decide when I should sleep. And still, I can’t sleep.

    I tried homeopathic medicine. I wasn’t happy to do it, and I had a lot of qualms and questions about it, but I still went into it open minded. I tried to go organic and fair trade with my food and anything I put on/in my body; I chewed on fucking Valerian root; I took organic, all-natural sleep medicine. I tried essential oils, but that didn’t help and apparently most scents are toxic to cats, so I gave away my collection. It smelled nice? That’s honestly the nicest and last thing I’ll say about homeopathic medicine.

    Yoga has been a tool of mine for years, but more as an exercise to stay flexible and agile, rather than for healing. For the first time in years, doing something before bed helped. It didn’t mean my nights weren’t still shitty as a concept, but I was able to actually say out loud, “this helps” and it doesn’t hurt anything else, or give me bad side effects, and is not toxic to cats.

    I tried mindfulness as a last resort. If I couldn’t get my body to help me, I thought, maybe I could get my brain to help. Meditation was the first tool I learned on my path to better mindfulness, though I admit to very few occurrences of me being relaxed nearly enough to reach it. Once you can meditate, it’s almost disappointing when you’re not immediately better. It takes consistency, something I wasn’t raised around and find irritating in practice, and it takes control. If you’ve read one (1) blog post of mine, even if it’s just this one, I feel like it should be apparent I’m bad at both.

    Mindfulness takes a little longer than meditation. It takes recognizing your toxic thought patterns, and what can trigger those thoughts. The best silver lining thus far was being able to handle those triggers; when you suffer from C-PTSD, you’re more than acquainted with triggers — it feels like you made them up yourself.

    Affirmations can help mindfulness, too, but I find that too many of them can be daunting; the lesson was learning which affirmations work for me both mentally and physically, rather than what I think should work. Affirmations should be things you can say, think, or write down, no matter the topic, and not just believe it, but know it.

    Did those three things work? Yoga, mindfulness, affirmations, some meditating? Sleep hygiene that I tried and loved and may write about one day? Yes, and no. Until I can have the money to pay for a sleep specialist to find out more, I am currently using a prescription sleep aid. I am also doing all the things above in top of my sleep aid, as medicine can stop working, or I can accidentally take a nap, and have a harder time falling asleep later.

    I still have bags under my eyes. I still cry sometimes at night when sleep won’t come, because the chronic pain will get worse if I don’t sleep. However, I have learned to use these tools to help me. Mindfulness and meditating can help me when awake, and the pain ointments and medications will help ease the pain. My affirmations will then come in handy when I feel my night anxiety start to rise. It’s a lot to do, even for a normal person, but I do it because I can’t sleep.

    Nene 2

    Austin

    June 15th, 2023

    August 14th, 2023

    Aside: 6/13/2023

    Austin

    June 13th, 2023

    July 18th, 2023

    At the ripe age of 33, I decided to do dating sites (with a lot of help from my sister). I mostly went on for two things: 1) the gratification when someone likes me and b) maybe make some friends? So far only #1 has worked — #2 has been harder. There are so many rules, and people get tired easily, or give up on you if you don’t respond in 24 hours. (People have lives; why are people on a time limit if their bio says “only friendship”?)

    Trying to shove info about myself without seeming unappealing — and let’s face it, nobody with chronic-anything sounds appealing — but also try to be proud of myself despite my ailments. Picking the right photos is another nightmare, especially if you take selfies with your face most of the time.

    I propose something: a dating app for chronically ill and/or chronically painful folks. I have no intention or desire to create it, but maybe someone else will. Even something like PMDD can impact someone’s life, and none of us should have to try this hard on these kinds of sites to make friends, much less anything else.

    Status

    Austin

    June 7th, 2023

    June 7th, 2023

    Men’s inability to deal with their own feelings and maintain basic communication stress me the fuck out. Please go play in traffic.

    27 Positive Affirmations for Sexual Confidence

    Austin

    June 6th, 2023

    June 6th, 2023

    Just a Minute: 5/23/2023

    Austin

    May 24th, 2023

    May 24th, 2023

    Continuing my Just a Minute… series.

    Reading… Honestly, not a lot! With how much coding I’m doing, it’s been hard to settle into anything relaxing. Also, considering I’m working on a rec site for fanworks, reading fanfiction (my go-to) has lost it’s shine thus far.

    Listening… I have been obsessed with rock music, lately. Probably about 293 entries ago, I mentioned my parents could tip me into sleep with only Rock music (now considered Classic Rock). Still true to do this day, if some of my naps are any indication.

    Watching… My sister showed me Letterkenny years ago, but only this year have we really sat down and watched it from the beginning. Recommend it highly if you’re a fan of comedy, and even if you’re not, just watch it.

    Relieved by… Medication. The hardest part of being so sick all the time is the medication. A lot of people have a lot of opinions about what does and doesn’t work, and what should and shouldn’t be taken. I just want to focus on being relieved, even if the pain doesn’t go away. Other than medication, I abuse the shit out of my heating pad, and a couple of lotions that help with aches and pain.

    Taking a photo of… My new cat, Louise! I got her around April 1st, so she’s been with me nearly two months, and I’m so in love with her.

    Writing… If coding was writing… three novels? I have been writing to-do lists a lot, as well as blog posts corresponding to my edits to my sites. Really, this blog post is my most recent “writing”.

    Just a Minute: 3/24/2023

    Austin

    March 24th, 2023

    May 17th, 2023

    Back when I did Just a Minute… » blog posts, I had a lot more going on. I was also fresh in my twenties when I started this series; when you’re older, the big things seem small and the small things go away. Add chronic pain and the life challenges that come with that alone, and this list can seem daunting, if not outright feasible: are we really reading a different book every time?

    Thus, I curated a “Just a Minute” list that focuses less on materialistic and/or numerous hobbies, I’d make a list for people like me. People who maybe aren’t going to be able to start that recipe because they’re having a really bad flare, or for someone who works and sleeps more than anything else.

    Reading… I’m currently reading an astrology book I picked up at a bookstore, but it’s across my room, so we’ll pretend I’ve given you the title. I’ve only recently started reading it, and cannot give you any info/advice on how good it is. I’m also reading Top Gun fanfiction, because skipping through fandoms I don’t care a lot about is fun for me.

    Listening… Musically, I’ve been a huge rock kick, and can’t stop playing DeftonesAround the Fur album. And anything Chevelle, because Chevelle. While I stick to my normal ambient music for my “stop looking at screens” hour before bed, I’ve also been listening to Just Sleep stories on their Spotify podcast. I recommend Sleepy Hollow, and Alice in Wonderland.

    Watching… I’m not a huge binger when it comes to TV because I don’t like it, but I also have a hard time sticking to the same one. (Don’t I just love ADHD?) Right now, I’ve been digging early-series Law and Order: Criminal Intent and the most recent season of Bob’s Burgers.

    Relieved by… While I can’t do this on bad pain days, stretching in bed before bed is great. Not all yoga poses need a mat, and stretching along with some light yoga has been good for my insomnia. Also, a warm cup of tea (bonus if it’s Bedtime brand tea) or a warm shower helps calm me down a lot for bed.

    Taking a photo of… My sister’s dogs. I love being their aunt so I can give them back after cuddles:

    Writing… Along with my astrology book, I’ve picked up the Wicca: Guided Journal by Lisa Chamberlain journal, for wiccans. Not only do I love the prompts — multiple questions! — but I love the space it leaves for other work to go in the book after it’s finished. It also doesn’t have to be started at the start of the year, it can be started whenever, or when a solstice begins.